Love Without Knowing How to Fall
by 32stars
Summary: Inspired by a quote from RM Drake. My first stab at fanfic, so I hope its OK. Intended to be a short - just 2 or 3 parts, this is the first. I hope you enjoy! Please leave constructive feedback - I can take it all, good or bad, so long as it's constructive!


_I can't remember what it was like before you, and I don't even know how we got here but maybe that's exactly what I needed. Someone who could make me forget where I came from and someone who could make me love without knowing how to fall._

_-RM Drake_

* * *

><p>They stood on her apartment balcony, overlooking the Chicago skyline. He never really understood how she managed to afford the place on a cops' salary, but that was irrelevant. This view, the pitch back sky illuminated with a spattering of city lights in the middle of the night – this was their view. This is where they went after a hard day, glass of whiskey in hand, to unwind, to try and forget. More often than not, they stood in silence, a comfortable silence. A silence only appreciated by people who are so in tune with one another that words aren't necessary.<p>

In the early days of their relationship, when they only called each other partner, they stood side by side, shoulder to shoulder, taking it all in. That darkness, the stillness, it was a calm in their frenzied world. As their relationship grew, from partners to friends, and from friends to lovers, this never stopped being _their_ view. Instead of standing side by side though, most often these days they could be found with Erin standing against the railing, Jay standing behind, arms wrapped around her, particularly on the chilly Chicago nights. It became their way to relax and calm down after a hectic day, their place to reconnect after an argument. It was as if this place, looking out at _their_ view, was their safe haven; a tiny section of the world where nothing negative could touch them. Where there was always honesty and goodness and those city lights; reminding them that even in darkness, they could always find light if they looked for it.

Tonight was one of those nights where Erin really needed to find that light. She leaned back against his chest, marveling at how after the day they had, he was so calm and steady. That was just Jay though. Had she not known, not been there to bear witness to it all, she wouldn't have guessed that he had faced death in the face earlier in the day. She choked back a cry and willed the tears in her eyes not to fall. She placed her hands over his, needing to feel the warmth of his skin, to make sure that he was really there, that this was real, and that he was still with her.

Instinctively knowing what she needed, Jay pulled her in tighter, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm alright, Erin. I'm here. You're not getting rid of me that easy."

She knew what he was trying to do - reassure her that the days' events had nothing to do with their argument that morning. It didn't work. She thought back to what had transpired only hours ago in her bedroom.

* * *

><p><em>Flashback:<em>

Erin woke to Jay shaking her shoulder gently. "Babe, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Wake up."

She shot straight up gasping, her hair slick with sweat and clinging to her face, obstructing her view. She felt a hand move to her forehead to try and shift her hair but she jerked away. "Hey," Jay soothed, "it's just me. Erin." She looked over at him, gaining her composure, and placed a hand on her chest to try to steady her breathing. "What were you dreaming about?" In all the time they'd shared bed, Jay had never witnessed Erin have a bad dream, let alone thrash around as much as she just had been.

"Nothing," Erin snapped, not wanting to talk about it.

The number of people in the world that Erin truly trusted could be counted on one hand, Jay being one of them, but even he didn't know all the horrors of her past. They hadn't been together long enough for him to understand that at this time every year, the demons of her youth came around to haunt her in her dreams. The only person who truly understood was her friend Annie, and Erin could all but guarantee that she probably passed out drunk at her place. That was the only way Annie knew how to get through the anniversary of Sandovals'…passing.

Jay observed Erin with a critical eye. He didn't want to treat her like a suspect, but he had questions. Whether or not he deserved answers would be up to her. "Didn't seem like nothing, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" He attempted once again to brush her hair from her eyes, but was rewarded with only a glare in return.

"I said it was nothing, Jay." The intensity in her voice was something he'd only heard her use before with scumbags they dealt with at work. It was certainly never a tone she used with him before, and it didn't sit well. She slid out of bed and put some distance between them.

"Erin, you've been off all week. I know something is bothering you. Maybe you'll feel better if you get it off your chest." He pulled on his jeans and slipped a tshirt over his head as he walked towards her.

"Maybe I'd feel better if you didn't interrogate me." If looks could kill, Jay Halstead would be a dead man.

He took a moment to gather himself, internally debating which way to take this conversation. She was clearly riled up and looking for a fight. It didn't take long for the pacifist in him to decide that diffusing the situation would be best. He raised his arms in a mock surrender. He knew better than to push Erin Lindsay too far. "OK, I'm sorry. I'll back off."

He softened his voice and his eyes, hoping he could get through to her, "But just know, Erin, I'm here for you, whenever. You can tell me anything, alright? I'm here for you."

Any normal girl would have melted at his words, at the tenderness and sincerity of his voice – but she was no normal girl. Jay was so…good, so pure of heart. Even when she was bitchy towards him, he was caring and sweet. And at that moment, it just irritated her. Why was he so calm when she was clearly so fired up? She opted to go on the offensive and turn the tables to shift the focus off her; it was time to push his buttons a little.

"Of course you're here, Jay, you're always here," she spat, her voice laced with sarcasm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he was caught off guard, he didn't know where this was going.

"What do you think it means? You're always around. What's a girl gotta do to get some space?" She was on a roll now, and she had no intention of slowing down. Once the Erin Lindsay freight train got going on the tracks, there wasn't much anyone could do to stop her. "When's the last time you stayed at your place?"

Jay was completely blindsided. He knew she was upset, but hadn't expected her to come after him. Did she really mean what she was saying, or was this a step back to the old Erin that repeatedly tried to push him away? Regardless of her intent, the words stung. He stood there, like a deer in the headlights. He had no idea how to respond, not that she was going to give him a chance.

She kept pushing. "Seriously, Jay, we work together all day. And then you come home with me for dinner, and you end up spending the night." Her voice was getting louder, her tone more aggressive. Subconsciously, there was a part of her that wanted someone else to feel the pain that she felt on the inside, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. "I don't have any time to myself. You don't give me any space." She was awful close to crossing a line, and she knew it. But she had always been one to push things to the edge.

"I didn't realize I was so unwelcome," he shot back. "Duely noted."

She didn't appreciate his tone, so she fired right back. "You're fucking smothering me!"

Jay ran a hand over his face, frustrated, hurt, and not knowing what to say or do next. He knew she was purposely trying to hurt him. What sucked was that it was working. It had taken a long time for the two of them to give in to their feelings for one another. And while he knew that all those walls Erin had built up around her weren't going to come crashing down in one day, he thought at least that she had allowed him entrance to the inside. But as it stood now, it seemed as though she was kicking him out.

"What am I supposed to do here, Erin? I'm just trying to be supportive. What do you want from me?"

"I want you to leave me the hell alone!" And there it was. She went too far; she crossed the line, and she knew it the second the words were out of her mouth.

Jay took the impact of her words as if it was a shot to the chest. For a split second, he couldn't breathe. If she had wanted to hurt him, well congratulations, mission accomplished. His eyes went cold and his voice eerily calm. "If that's what you want," he stated simply. With a curt nod he turned and briskly walked out of the room. She heard the front door of her apartment slam shut before she could even absorb what he had said.

It was the last thing that she had really wanted. But she had brought it upon herself. And now that she was assured that he was gone, she let the tears fall.


End file.
